Some thoughts on “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II”, AKA the most important film of the century

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II is a film that defies and transcends grades, criticism, and opinions on film in general.

Is it a bad film? I think so? Does it matter? Why are we bothering with such boring quibbles with a movie that doesn’t give a crap??

Is it the most entertaining film I’ve seen in a while? Absolutely. And not just in an MST3K sense (but occasionally in an MST3K sense). My number one sin for a film is to be boring. Not in a “Tree of Life” sense because “Tree of Life” wasn’t boring you butt it was great, but that’s a debate for another day.

All I can say it that it has rocked my world to its core and I am still trying to figure out how to process it as an experience.

Full disclosure, my only previous experience with Twilight as a thing before was the movie of “New Moon”. It was a terrible film, often in a “so bad it’s good way”, and it in no way prepared me for the experience of this movie. Because to call “Breaking Dawn Part II” so bad that’s its good is, well, woefully inaccurate. Even if it is bad. But I don’t think it all is. Maybe. Pray for me.

It’s a film with a simple a plot as one could muster (Voltari are mad because HUMAN VAMPIRE BABY) that manages to cram as much confusing exposition as I imagine is possible. At one point a whole bushel of new vampires (Lee Pace!) were gathered in the Cullens’ living room and I could not for the life of me remember who the hell they were. One of them was an Irish family and I didn’t even know they were Irish until like most of the way into the movie when the dad mentioned he fought in the 11 Years’ War. One of them is the Avatar. Half the film’s special effects budget seemed to be spent on their “vampire dash” which they all do instead of walking and it’s always hilarious.

Lee Pace wastes a poor guy on his way home with his skateboard as Nikki Reed crosses her arms and chuckles like a sitcom character. I think the movie thought this was okay because he’s just some human.

Taylor Lautner partakes in the single creepiest romantic plotline in cinematic history (as far as I could figure, he fell in love with Bella’s baby, a fact that is explained as being a “werewolf thing” that he can’t control and does this film realize how horrible this sounds? The film acknowledges the creepiness at the outset when Bella beats the crap out of him, and then slowly but surely decides that it’s not that creepy after all, and gives us a happy epilogue that shows the holy-hell-that-is-just-wrong romance at its future fruition, with Jacob and creepy-CGI-adult Nessie hanging out and meeting the parents.

Nessie is primarily played by a horrifying CGI baby, and then a horrifying CGI child, and then a normal real child for a bit, and then a horrifying CGI adult.

I just don’t know, either.

It is the kind of film that will give you an absurd, magnificent fight scene with multiple major character deaths and decapitations like crazy, and then have it all be a vision.

It’s not even just all a dream. It’s A VISION. A THREAT. Ashley Greene is just not going to be stopped by the fallacy of the predetermined outcome. You go girl. She also punts Michael Sheen and gets awesome hang time.

Also, she disappears for most of the movie out of the blue. I think they explain it, but seriously, this movie’s sense of exposition was truly strange. Many elements are wildly overexplained (Did you know just how much Bella wants to be a vampire?) and others just thrown on the screen (THE BRAZILIAN HALF-VAMP! He shows up out of nowhere and solves everything!!!!! Incredible!)

There’s no way to properly review this film but to present its individual elements and comment on their effect on my soul. It is the opposite of a tone poem. It is a series of shrieking disparate elements, slammed together at warp speed and allowed to simmer for two hours. It might be terrible. It is definitely a tremendous piece of entertainment. If you have friends who refuse to watch it with you, disown them for being boring. If there’s one thing I’m sure about, it’s that this film is the opposite of boring.

PS: The movie ends with Bella showing Edward a fan-vid of her own construction using scenes from the movies set to Christina Perri’s “1,000 Years”. That is a truly useful power. If I could show the world the Sailor Moon fanvid I have in my head set to DJ Sammy’s “Heaven” there wouldn’t be a dry eye.

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About johnmichaelmaximilian

Freelance writer from New Bedford, Massachusetts. Movies are my favorite thing.

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